Marital impatience.
It happens to most girls 20+ years old who have been or are in a serious, long-term relationship.
I know I've had the bug more than once.
It's easier to catch than a cold and can only be shaken off with a pure dose of reality.
Every time I fall into this rut of daydreaming impatience I have to step back and think of why we're waiting.
We have the rest of our lives together- what's a few more years of saving up so we can have a great wedding, reception, and honeymoon to show for it. Maybe even a better living situation than apartments can offer.
This financial mindset is how most men prepare for marriage. I read in a article last week that when they're ready, it's 60% having found the right woman, and 40% feeling financially confident in making this commitment. Whether the couple is already living together or not- the stressful responsibility of being the "provider" is intimidating for a man. Thus, most men are not comfortable with the reality of marriage until they are confident in their financial security.
This is not so much the marital mindset for females. For a female, once she is in love and is confident in the man that she is chosen to stick by her side for the rest of their years and to father her children, she is ready.
Women do not feel the financail stress in marraige the same way men do. They see the pretty ring that will represent the bond she has made with her best friend. She sees his last name in place of hers and the pride she'll have in sporting that title. She sees everything changing from 'his' and 'hers' to 'theirs' and 'ours'. She sees the exciting ceremony in which they will be wed and the dress that will show everyone just who's day it is. She imagines the look in his eyes as they dance for the first time as a married couple knowing just how right it all feels and how excited they both are for the future to come.
As a female, I could go on and on with the 'symptoms' to this particular bug.
Now, this bug is healthy to an extent. Of course one wants to be excited for that day if it's in the cards down the road. There would be a serious issue if niether party were very excited by the idea.
As with all things, though, moderation must be taken into account with this excitement.
The marital impatient bug can be very dangerous in a relationship and pose a serious threat if taken too far.
It can be very easy for a gal to be swept away by all of the attractive and exciting attributes that go along with marriage. If she lets this daydreaming become an obsession and takes it too far, she will start to pressure her man into the idea.
There is no problem with dropping a hint or two, but if he is obviously not ready, there is only harm in pushing him.
As excited as the gal may be, she must step back and ask herself if she really wants him to propose out of guilt and pressure or out of his own will and exitement?
I've had this bug for about the last month or so. It has been a hard one for me to shake off this time around, but I must. I just witnessed how dentrimental this coercement can be to a relationship.
My roommate's girlfriend was a pusher from the first time we met her last October. Every time the 4 of us would be watching tv and a proposal would happen, she would give him the puppy dog eyes and say something along the lines of, "Like that's ever going to happen..." This is obviously beyond the line of dropping hints. He told me she would do things like that all of the time. They have not yet been together a full year and she would not get off his back about it.
I could tell by the way she'd say it or the look in her eyes that she simply had the bug- that she had fallen head over heels in love with the idea of marriage and being proposed to.
My roommate buckled under the pressure. What's even worse was that he had been unemployed for about 2 months and had no significant amount of cash lying around to buy her a worthwhile engagement ring. Nonetheless, he proceeded and bought her what he could and proposed to her on New Years. She and he were both estatic in the moment and time went on.
Last night, his fiance not only broke off the engagement, but told him they needed to take a break.
She had flipped her lid over some trivial issue a few days ago and increasingly blew it out of proportion. She threw every deffense mechanism she could at him, trying to make him feel as bad as possible about himself.
Justin explained to me what had happened and showed me thier conversation that continued through text afterwards, desperate to know what he should do.
She told him she still loved him and wanted to make things work, but that they should try to start over as boyfriend and girlfriend- take the engagement off the table.
He's heartbroken, but he needs to step back and realize he's in the same position. He had admitted to me a few weeks ago that he wasn't ready for this step in their relationship and that he wished she could have been patient enough for him to come around first. She was obviously not ready either, and the reality of the position they were in became consuming to the point of asphyxiation. She now realizes they weren't ready for that step.
I only hope they can successfully "start over" and maybe one day become engaged in the right way for the right reasons.
There is still a large if in that. Forcing this big of a step on an unprepared couple only adds unnecessary stress on the relationship.
I hope that they are able to make things right.
As of right now, this all may have happened in my home, but I'm thankful it was not to my relationship. As excited as I am to marry Denver one day, it has to be once we are both ready. Only then can it be as perfect as I'm imagining.
I just need to learn to truely be patient, even though I will always be excited. This has been and will be a trying feat, but a necessary one.
Denver explained to me a few nights ago that it's not that he's not emotionally prepared to make that commitment to me, but that he wants to be able to offer more when that time comes. He wants to create something he can be proud of rather than look back and think of what he could have done better had we taken the time to wait.
So. Here I am. Waiting. Telling myself to be patient, but still completely bitten by that bug.. I'm working on it, day by day.
I love him entirely.
He's worth it.
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